Security Guard Chronicles

SCOOTER MAFIA STRIKES AGAIN

ughh never fails ever friday this pack of goons i call Scooter Mafia come to my job and eff shit up! every single friday there is a scooter mafia related incident report. picture 6 white kids w/ money ages between 10 & 12, not a care in the world, and u can picture scooter mafia.

First they came scooter thru,scuffin up the floors, and damn near runnin down this couple of old fools. i apologized on their behalf, and they tell me to "do my job & get those kids under control".. i proceed to suck my teeth and give them a nuclear eye roll then mozey right along..fck they talkin to?! went to the parking lot and caught these money ass cracka playin n the trees!
..another incident report then i caught the mafia playin frisbee indoors like this is a damn beach or some shit and found my grownass in a game of monkey in the gotdamn middle.. ahh they r goons to the letter!

yes i did get played by lil crackas tonight so what!

i got tired of being harassed by the mafia i tried to find me a nice lil cutty spot and hide out, but my co workers was truly on they blues clues shit and kept finding me! gawd!

i hid in this family bathroom that actually looks like a living room with the couches,candles, lil pinecones and such,, i did about 2 hours before i thought it was clear nd came out to this




and a tipped over sign. these kids need a a good HADDUKEN to the chesticle!

Tell'em why u mad C'

I can't leave work until my relief shows up, unfortunately my relief & I share a bloodline so this skally think she can waltz her ass into work when the freakaleak ever. WRONG! 5 or 10 minutes is fine, 15 and I got an attitude, 30 I'm blowin yo phone all the way up. But I do not need to get a call from my lesbian ass coworker informing me that my cousin aint comin n a hour after u scheduled to start. But that that aint even the cold part, these hoes tryna rope me into a lie, tambout some "tell victor Alyssa came n til 1 but got sick and left" I laughed like a damn hyena. Picture me throwin my head back & hollering! Then picture me lit.tra.lee screaming iM SNiTCHiN, & yo ass is grass hoe!

Watever, fast forward to an hour later (2m'fn AM) my supervisor comin n askin me every question n the book except how's the damn weather, and me getting n the car. I stopped @ the gas station, bought a black&mild(I'm stressed shit) and got gas. Back on the road some1 please tell me y it was soooo foggy I couldnt see a damn thang,drivin slow enough for someone to walk up & jump n ma car or for the damn demon fugly ass wing man from jeeper creepers to jump on my roof and get busy. I aint mollywhopped her ass in years so she must have forgot ma pimp hand is skrong..but imma learn that ass just wait! Ughh I'm irritated as frick!

As I Cc it: dime?

When less then average looking, and even average to moderatly cute, broads constantly talk about how pretty they are, this is a life fail and a face slap in the making. i honestly think its a front, because with the amount of shallow ass negroits walkin this earth u would know if you are actually that pretty. females with a so called bangin ass body r the worse because they feel with the attention they get that they are actually pretty but there is a difference between being
"thick&fckable" and actually being cute,pretty or beautiful. i get confused as to what a dime is anymore b/c last time i checked that was a perfect 10. lets do some math shall we? jacked grill -2 pizza face -2 fire breath -3 stankin ass attitude to match that breath -5 already ur a -2.. ass +3 t-go-bittys +3 pulled together outfit +2 total that up and u got urself a NICKLE. so it would take 2 of u to make a dime.. did they change the value of us currensy and forget to tell me? thats dimes, As I Cc it

Riddle Me This

idk where it came from, just popped into my head but i was wonderin if most of these rappers claim to be doin it to get out their respective hoods then y yo monkey ass madd at the next nigga who rapped and got out the hood? all this yip yap about "u aint n the hood" wtf? if i was a rapper yall would hate ma black ass cus soon as i blew i was on the next thang smokin off the block. whats the point of callin that a goal if when u have the opportunity to u stay and blassst anybody who chooses not to?
just a thought..

As if my life wasn't hard enough..

Twitter.com may be McPoppingston on the east coast, but the west coast..not so much. and actally i should just say the bay. so day after day im tryna explain wtf twitter is to these tired ass mofo's still checkin they myspaces and they lookin at me like me and Rockstar Wayne been sharin Styrofoam cups. fail! now not only am i constantly refreshing for updates,i have the damn nerve to sing a song about a site my people aren't familiar with. the audacity of me!

listen now:
http://www.boutdatblog.com

With all that said, my new addiction has a theme song and that is "Met Her On Twitter" Ice the Villain& LCD mr.BOUTDATMONEY two of my favorite tweeples along with Lil Dee created thee Twitter.com anthem. gawd i cant go no where without screwin ma voice tryna imitate the chorus. just shameful. give it a listen, dumb catchy.production is top dollar. just an all around winner..and im not even being biased, i honest to Bob like the catchy som'bitch!

(twitter.com/icethevillain)
(twitter.com/BOUTDATMONEY)
(twitter.com/yblildee)


..& since u gettin your net geek on download Ice the Villain's L.@.Me Mixtape. *LOOK AT ME* www.Icethevillain.com

Nite Cap Recap

ok so last night during the late night past get the twitter draws hour but before the wake up wats crackalackin hours, i was up. i keep street walker hours so 4am means nothing to me. i started tweeting left childhood things that happened to me, so u can know that i wasnt born crazy, i waas raised to be crazy. there is a difference.

maybe i'll write another book, after i finish the driving book. anywho read,enjoy & silently judge...

My Tmail address is "herroyalfreshness" my old aim name was "so fresh Cc so flyy" ... if i could kick my own ass i would
I wore black for 2weeks when B2K broke up *true story my mom told me if i didnt perk up she was gettin me prescription drugs
I named my car, calling her oout of her name is the quickest way to get punched in the back of the head
I tried and failed at the Nelly Band-aid and the LL Cool J rolled up pant leg
In 5th grade I got a whoopin for lyin, i was so distraught i popped off all my beauty supply store finger nails and aint told a lie since
I tried to shape my brows with a razor in 6th grade and shaved 1 off by mistake. moms made me report ma ass to school bright & early the following day...for this her ass is goin in a home
I wore a braided wig to school in elementary school. it fell off during an intense double dutch tourney, i was traumatized, and til this day and beyond i aint wore a weave.. they r sister
I faked injury and illness on a day to day in order to avoid running the mile in gym class.. after that stopped working i started just skippin gym all together. in my defense it was before lunch and i refused to work myself into a tizzy before i have lunch
i got my hair braided into 2 piggy ass tails..10th grade year. slap me if u see me i will kno y
i cut this crackaa's (JANELLE BENTLEY) hair in the 3rd grade cus she marked me w/ a mothalovin marker and called me "blackey" i grabbed her shit and safety scissor chopped her shit. the consequences that followed was 101% worth it!!!

maybe i"ll drop some more later, but now u can see a little bit of y Cc Rydah is a ..well rydah! i been ridin right on thru this bullshit for 20 years and im pretty damn sure im keep on truckin!

ok ok im done but i promise for those who read regularly (hello to all 10 of u mofo's) i will keep givin u wat i got. and more often then i been doin

im back at it

hey there its me again
what u dont remember? its Cc..
naw not that trick the other Cc..
i know i been gone for a minute but damn im back so quit pressin me!

...that is the conversation me and my triflin ass blog had as i tried to sign on. just a minor misunderstanding but we settled that, anywho,
i been droppin all my randoms on twitter recently so i've been neglecting my blog. i've been meaning to do more security guard chronicles cus i have storys for that ass. i also been meaning to load pics and also start a new segment i call(in my head) " As I Cc it" but um ah err ahh um.. shit happens.

*quickly tho, As I Cc it is just where i review a thing or two, give my "bloggy not really important to anybody but ME" opinion. I've been working on my review of the Drake mixtape but honestly i dont damn well feel like it. chalk that one up to the game..

r you fckin kiddin!?

STOP iT..



..naw seriously. stop

so i been reluctant about postin on the chrissy rhianna sitch but now im sick. yo stop! u dont know shit about nothin. u dont know not a damn thing about the goings on of the night except for what u've seen in the media.then u follow the crowd like a bunch of sheep. pathetic. quit following tmz,mto and the other tabloid garbage like its the word of god.

everybody lookin at this picture like its a smoking gun but be real and objective for a moment. how did chris do that to her face while driving & not get into an accident nor drive erratically? what, because tmz,us weekly,mto etc said chris whooped her ass its set in stone? well am i the only 1 who heard they got into a car accident? not sayin i believe that for one second but im sayin it as an example, some1 gives u one story [no drama] then another [drama] and hmm which do u run with...

pathetic. i cant rant all i want but it goes nowhere the world if full of the most gullible of gullibles. rick ross or "GOONS" beat the brakes off djVlad but did u care? Maino hit yung berg wit the hand of God..did u bat an eye? Big Pun was a badd wife beater, even got caught on camera pistol whippin his wife..did it affect his spins? juelz santana,busta rhymes,dame dash: all accused of domestic abuse. so y the fck is this so important!!? nobody walkin on this earth is perfect. we all live by our own moral code,& in the end we will held accountable for all the wrong we've done in this life time. have u even been in a fight? have u ever done anything questionable in a relationship? or is your life perfect? yea didnt think so. to whom this may concern: ur fckin stoopid and i hate u and u make my stomach turn. quit bein sheep..cunts/bahhh baaah

its just one of those days..

car window:broken.. & its rainin..
if 1 person,even 1 sings jazmine sullivan to me im goin off!

then i had to go to work. thru my troubles & deal with the damn kids. i had a water bottle and i was sitting outside, took a call from cold stone askin if i could come clear the kids out NOT EVEN 5 minutes pass, i come back and ma water bottle dissappered. not to mention i broke my ear piece and stubbed my toe. grrr
I need a bottle of some wino shit
[20/20 or cisco will do]

I need to have the funnest/"woow cc u od'd tonight"est/randomest/niggerish night ever.

I need to get drunk and roll down a grass hill[again],suggest and follow thru with swimming at 4am even tho ma nigga hair does not do swimming pools,fall on ma ass an insane number of times[as usual], proceed to call text an aim every single person I actually fcks wit and say the illest shit,cry from laffin too hard at the joke I planned on tellin but couldn't cus I fell out from laughter first,get n2 a drunken argument and proceed to act ignorant as hell cus dickhead takes me there [thats what sha said]. I need my bestest to tell me she loves me wit her drunk ass the have me come with her to screen so no1 see her skank ass pissin n a bush.

its been a hell of a day and i need 1 of thoooose nites

blah blah..pass it on

If there is 1 thing that advances just as fast as technology, its ways to piss me off

I hate hate ha[frickiin]te when I get those texts or email chain letters. Omg. Those "send this to 20 people by midnight & ur true love will call you" OR "if you don't send this in 5 minutes to every# in your phone u will be single & miserable for 7 years" ...wtf?

Its always he-frickiin-larious to see how many people actually start sendin those out & its always a-frickiin-nnoying wen they start to come to my phone or inbox. But the only that really kills me r the God 1's..yes I'm sure u have received those "if u love god u will send this out" message

*dead

I feel like a damn devil apprentice cus I for damn sho aint sendin shit out. Provin ur love for god aint got shit to do with text & emails. I should be pressured to prove shit& best believe I don't.I'm all for people prayin for me and that hooplah but do it quietly and quit wastin ma space! It is a bitch goin thru keepin wat u want & deletin the bullshit that fills up ma jack daily

After all this time ma peoples should know to skip ma name but nope I know some ignant fools. Wats annoys u? That would be interesting to know..

driving for dummies

i decided i was gonna write a book on driving. yess this is because for some reason they r teachin people how to drive like fairies now a days. blind def and dumb tinkerbells.

its a work in progress;

1.a speed limit is a suggestion. i suggest u speed the hell up 'specially if u find ur self in front of me

2.yellow lights should b disregarded.they r meaningless..scratch that they mean get yo ass on b4 u stuck at the red light.

3.if wen the light turns green some1 starts drivin b4 u, this is a challenge so smoke that ass.

4.if someone cuts u off it is ur duty to get back n front & granny drive that ass, flip them the hell off or be a player cut ya lights off and tailgate that ass for up to 3miles.

5.pedestrians should not be yealded to, that law was made up by a hippie.
u drive the car so they should yeald to u

6.don't let the coppers catch u ridin dirty.

the more i drive, the more things that will be added. and i gots to drive tonight so lets see wat else happens

Things i learned on my drive home

work neccessities

so i get off work [20 minutes after i was supposed to]
& walk to my car. bernadine was frosted completly. so i get a water bottle and pour half of it on the back window then wipe it down.. go to the front window and kick maself for usin half the damn bottle on the back window when i need the front to see. so i got the top half of my window [d]iced and deciced to try my luck ..

i drove over the island in the middle of the road..wtf

went to the gas station & went to work on the windows by the time i was finished my fingers were red&swollen. it was that cold. got gas got in the car got on the road.

so on my drive home i learned:

1.always do the front first dummy
2.eatin hot cheetoes will not warm u up but will make ur nose run & piss u off
3.tryin to stay updated on twitter while driving is the easiest way to find urself drivin on the wrong side of the road
4.the slow mofos in the cars in front of u cant hear u cussin them out no matter how loud & ignant u get


now im home. its only 306a kinda late but i usually watch the sun rise so its still early to me. had some of the best tweet convos today and got some new friends. yawn. i would do a cb/rhianna blog but the story is so played out i just cant bring myself to it.

fckn brats.. glad i was never a kid

first off let me start by saying that security gets no respect..i am a top flight security officer [get 7 laughs now]

i was at working minding my own business wen i see these 3 scruffy ass kids kickin around a wet floor sign

Me: yo can u please not kick the signs around [walks to pick up the sign]

Pizza Face: sorry officer
Musty McSnaggale Tooth: we wont do it again
Bi-Focals:we was just leavin

[walks to the front door kicks another sign and run]

Me: [yells] you little mothafuckaas!

..security gets no respect. please believe i went searchin for those little so&so's ready to get it poppingston but they disappeared. damn them and their fast little teenage legs

that eff'd up my mood. some1 wrote dick fart on a leather chair..wtf? no, they really wrote dick fart... i repeat wtf?

no that didnt end my night. then i talked to dickhead for like 3 hours and somehow had the same argument we had game night, only this time i didnt plan his death and my escape to cuba. if we werent so similar our friendship would be perfect. he would just be comfortable with the natural order, im right ur wrong so fall back. nope not dickhead, he told me we are similar because i think im he shit and he is the shit. he says that we are both #1's but in this friendship i am #2 he also said i will never be right wen we argue, i say why and he says..BECAUSE.

*Crickets

yes that is where his statement ended. with a because..

i looked at my phone several times during this conversation because i was convinced that there was some kinda problem it. i shook it & i asked if he fell asleep and woke up drunk cus the things that came out of his mouth were crazy. no worries, i was actually quite amused and yes entertained

obsessive behaviors

..the first time i heard a Mos Def record my life got that much more complicated

yet another ridic myspace tantrum

idk why i continue to go to myspace..all i do is look at pages then try to figure out ways to snatch people out of the screen and slap them silly.

simple and plan, just because u said u like sour skittles dont mean anybody else who eats them is followin ur movement. come on now u cant be that gassed..and if u are u should then kindly "cover ur lips in hunny and kiss a beehive" or maybe even kiss a few headlights on a freeway. yea thas soundin about right.

all the time with the trendsetter headlines and the "bitches wanna be me" and the fly shit.shame on it all

"..you know who u are, dont get caught up in who u are supposedly are"

its just too funny to me wen these dweebs [old school] swear they are these big trend setters wen honest to god they aint. too many chicks usually ugly and tacky [just b/c u are wear a bajillion different pieces dont make fly it makes u look like u should be locked up with tha other loony tunes poppin pills and playin checkers], too many dudes dress like the cool kids, too many rappers,and too many lame ducks for one person to take.

B.O.B. who the fck is bob the mixtape. Generations Lost is the song. put it in and LiSTEN to it. not just tap ur foot to the beat.

do me this one favor find me an original in this world of copies and i will bow down til then get yo head outta ya own ass and quit lyin on ur own name. its sad..

our history

if im lyin im flyiin, wikipedia is the devil.
COON: unreliable, lazy,subhuman creatures good for nothing more than eating watermelon, stealing chickens,shooting craps, or butchering the english language.

... that was a coon ass definition



jiggaboo: a really dark skinned black person with strong negroid features (ie. big lips, wide nose, nappy hair)



i still think tha shit is he-larious white people were on some other other shit..

i also looked up, spade, porch monkey,jungle bunny and moon cricket. again all hilarious

if its my business its urs

so i was talking to bestest friend 2nite
[not dickhead & yes we have made peace even tho today he ran some ol bullshit by me that he swore he could get away wit and i had to cut that ass up.. no dice! wait this isnt even about him faze back to the real]

ok me,bestest friend,talking.. so she informs me that she is sittin in front of her babyfather/boyfriend who will be from this day forth referred to as bf-in law.

just so ya kno
*dickhead: best[penis havin]friend and constant pain n ma ass
*bestestfriend: best[cunt carryin]friend & mother of my godson who i call cupcake..pause
*bf-inlaw: bestest friends boyfriend & celeb in my eyes cus he got more game than fckn parker brother,hasbro,mattel, & the creaters or rock paper scissors.

so bestest informs me that she is sittin outside of bf-in laws house waiting for what was goin on an hour for him to come home and talk about why they are not talkin..yess ur eyes did not decieve u. i wont tell the whole ridic story but 1. he had their son my cupcake at a party in a room with bf-in laws god mom while he cranked that souljah boy and got down wit his bad self 2. he was late pickin up bestest from work,had some no good negro in the car and had an attitude then dropped her off and told her to take cupcake in the house along with herself and he is taking [her] car and cuttin. again ur eyes are not playin tricks on u this nigga truly did leave his little peppermint paddy brain at home that night. blah blah happens and he ends up still being able to take her car. this was around 230 am. she waited and waited and yess waited for him to bring her car back. 7ish is wen he brought it back but he just dropped the keys off and left then she goes and checks her car only to see there is a fresh dint in it. so far he had like 6 "incident" in her ride. why she keeps givin his ass the keys, see just so ya now.

now this story goes on but this is where i stop and pose the question is there such thing as magic dick? cus if there is i swear my hand on a xxl magazine he got it. she denys this but he can talk her into anything.this is my bestest friend so it is ma job to wake her shit up wen she is actin crazy but apparently nothin outside of a open hand slap in the face will git this B word to get it together. is it better to be in a relationship like this or be dolo..

im goin wit dolo cus well i can do bad all by myself.pardon the corny yet appropriate movie shout. y am i puttin her on Mac blast? 1. because she doesnt blog 2. cus i aint shit so if its my business it yours..haha brought that title in yo im niccce

the superbowl & the shortest most relevant month of the year

i spent a majority of my day drivin, & tha rest gamblin and gettin tha bluessss!

i bet on the football game and that was some special K shit cus 1 i didnt even know it was the superbowl and 2 didnt even know either team existed. so in true cavi form i placed my bet on the team with the first cute player i seen..

damn u larry fitzgerald!


noo that was the best 15 dollars i ever spent..tastyy

k so i proceeded to play the weekly dice game wit my aunties and i didnt win one single mf'n game. out of like 21 no bullshit. but i got to wash clothes at moms house and mooch some gas money so im good.

its mad late cali time. 433am technically. im sleep blogging. not really but im fillin lines til i remember what this was abou.. oh yea so its black history month and yess this seems like the only month u fruit loops pretend to give a damn about ur history

[whispers* ooh did she call us fruit loops durin black history month]..uhh yea i did

do urself this favor, learn about someone historical and black this month. by now u been learnin about martin luther king jr,rosa parks,underground railroad& dirty harry since like 5th grade and could tell their stories with ease but come on learn about someone else.learn the roots of some words.

blah blah all this to say we learn enough about the history of others at school. since we hve a month lets take advantage. come out of this month more cultured than the last..niggas.lol

jus a thought or 2..

watchin what women want wit mel gibson.
this is actually a dope movie. i wish i could get electricuted and then have the ability to read minds of the opposite sex..minus the whole get electricuted part.
*haha
but if i could read the male mind i wonder what types of things i would find out. what type of things they keep to themselves and dont just say out loud. would i tell people about this? probably not. if u know someone can read ur thoughts u would probably have less thoughts. or be around them less
the therapist in the movie said if u know what woman want, you could rule the world. shit prolly not.. what do woman want? idk. i just want my sanity. i want to find someone to complete me[maddd corny] i want somebody to chase me a little, i wanna have some greeeat conversations. like some of the dopest conversations ever. i gets deeep.*pause /i love to talk.obviously. i want to be asked about my day, remember if i said i was doing somethin note worthy and ask about it, somebody who wants to do stuff like get starbucks or just kick it and not have to move his hands from ma thighs, or tongue from my neck every 5 minutes..is it possible to just kick it no strings attached? i want someone to understand that i clean my ears daily some time bi,tri,& quad daily[if there is such a thing] not so u can stick ur tongue in it or blow ur hot breath in it, so i can have the damn shivers afterwards. i want some one who doesnt mind holdin hands every now & then, some1 chill, someone who will bring me around his friends, someone creative, someone who listens & actually remember..damn.. that would be nice. but i cant help but think, wen will i find mr.what women want?

sadly its looking grim for this lifetime

A friendship more complicated than a relationship but less rewarding cus its sexless.

hi welcome to my world blah blah heres the drama.i had a blowup with my dick head of a best friend about the goings on of yesterday. hott couldnt describe my emotion thouroughly enough. im jolly now.power of music i suppose, but i wrote this rite n tha middle of my funk..

Y is it easier for me to express myself thru writting then over the phone r face to face? I used to ask myself that all the time but I figured it out. I'm hella emotional. Its not really a personality flaw but it is a pain n the ass. I cry when I'm frustrated cus that's what I have control over. I can't write a 7 page text message tear friend but if I have to say the words I'm tearing up. Dickhead makes me wonder y I even bother. He knows how to push my buttons. But if u know how to make me mad is it really an accomplishment wen I get there? Is this friendship toxic and I don't see it? Y do I always have to be at my boiling point, talkin bout fck him this is too much work and give his ass the coldest shoulder before he realizes that he went to far? Idk these r not questions I can answer myself. And this is just a friendship so now ask y would I rather be single? I put so much of myself n my friendships that I'm too exhausted to be n a relation ship. For somebody who swears she's to chill for drama I find myself in a lot when it comes to dickhead. Is it worth it? That's what I continue to ask myself.

i think i will post our text converstion later so u can see why the hell i steamin beaman dude is truly a piece of effin work